Sunday, August 31, 2008

Is this the whole picture or is it just the start

Is life a part of a puzzle or is it just the picture.
I'm trying to walk alone, but I've begun to change.
I needed someone here with, is that too much to complain?
There were a million reasons to be gone away...
A million questions unanswered they say...
These unexplained changes are starting to occur..
When would I be let go?


I finally finally set up the computer. Had to reinstall everything. Felt super super lazy. I finally am able to read Breaking Dawn today.. HAha. I know its late but you can't blame me for running low on green papers that the world revolves around. Breaking precious precious. Fine fine, my (rented for exactly 30 days) precious. Will not reveal any spoilers here. Go get the book for those who haven't read yet. Its awesome!!!!!

Didn't hear any fireworks yesterday eventhough I live near 1u, the curve and ikano. Mum said there were fireworks but it lasted only for a while. Guess nobody seems to care about our country anymore. I wonder how was the Avril Lavinge concert. It was raining that friday night.

Grandma just came down from Penang with her sister-in-law. I'm seriously bored to death besides reading bio and doing add maths. I really have to start studying. Theres like only a month left to finals. Sheeeet.

My story is coming about, but I'm running out on scenes. Elaborated too much and the scene is never going anywhere. Gotta consult my partner, Alethea. Never underestimate her writing skills. =]

Missing out on my social life lately. I'm dying to go out somewhere. Anyone care to join me??

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Not what I asked for, do you see me behind this withered door?

Sometimes, I wish I was somebody else
Sometimes, I wish I had someone else's family

, I wish I had more freedom
Sometimes, I wish I was more inviting

Sometimes, I wish I was smarter

, I wish life wouldn't be so hard on me
Sometimes, I wish I wasn't here.

Even though life did not go where I want it to go, it will pass one way or another. Its like going on a journey, walking on a road with only one path. Its either we walk through it or go back. There's no other secret road or hidden path. It has to be gone through. Troubles and decisions and many other inhumane events have brought me to realize that it will pass. How long will it remain there? days, weeks, months, years??? Maybe, but it will pass.

How long have I walked upon rocks that tears the skin apart? How long have I tread upon glass that draws blood as you walk? How long have I stepped on burning pebbles that burns the skin into black ash?

Long enough.

Theres nothing to plead or beg for, but to silently walk over fears and troubles that burdens the soul as it lays unmoving upon the shoulders. Wishing it wasn't you, wishing it will go away. Closing your eyes and imagine this is a dream. But when you lift those heavy eyelids, it comes back, bringin back more horrors unseen before.

But this is where I am already. This is where I have stood for so long. Alone. So scared that it will come back, not trusting anyone in the world, not knowing who to ask for help, not knowing which next step to take. Unsure of everything. Wishing someone else was there to find comfort in. Wishing the universe would just turn around and banish all fears that walked upon this earth.

And them theres something else untold. Some secret that weighs more than the sky above each acre of land. That secret which changes someone into another being, to turn their lives the other way round. And maybe..cause even more sufferings.

So why is this all just another tree by the side. Or a broken branch laying still upon the ground. Or the sun that beats down upon that path. Another obstacle in the way, another problem to solve, another trouble to go through. And in the end, it will all pass.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Blue, silver and Gold

Tonight is the closing ceremony for the Beijing Olympics, and there goes another four years, School is reopening soon, which actually is tomorrow. Results are coming back and finals are coming forward. Haven't got time to get start on the story yet. =]
Mum and I stayed up the whole saturday night just to watch the rhythmnic gymnast competition. I was really amazed at their flexibility and their beautiful costumes. This competition was said to be the most beautiful sport and I can't help agreeing. The way they dance with their chosen apparatus as one. Its like the dancers and their apparatus were fused together. Its simply wonderful to watch them move. Ohh, don't forget to watch the Olympic Beijing welcomes you video. Its awesome and I somehow just love the tune of it.

in between these clouds
hides glittering wings and sounds
with swift movement unfound
her eyes scanned the ground

she floats above in the air
without strings that holds her there
with grace she flies on without care
that the soft blue clouds will tear

embrace such glorious profound beauty
embark on a journey, on these wings of glory
unravel these threads that makes up a story
upon her body that soars endlessly

My saviour.
Take me away,
Far from these cursed grounds that lay.
Take me to a place,
Where there's night and day.
And the beauty of the night,
Never cease to come and stay.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Runned over

Was tired these few days and I feel like as though I've been drained of energy. Just flowing out endlessly through me. Skipped art class today cuz cousin came over from Bukit Jelutong, but managed to move it to the next day. School is reopening soon!!! Went 1u again with family to look for stuff. I love the new shoes in sketchers, RM269. If anyone has excess cash, do contact me immediately. Being really random lately because I am still not getting over my disappointment. Really, all of them could not come and that really really sucked!!!!! Ohh well, can't do much bout it can I. . =]
I can't do anymore even if I tried. And sometimes I wonder was I ever a part of anything that mattered??? Did they ever thought about how I felt and was that the best that they could offer to comfort me??? Yes, I'm angry for something so unreasonable, but think about it. They know me and for who I am, is it so wrong to just wish for something more??? for at least something small than just empty promises?? . It's not wrong to want something more. Was it too much to ask? Yes, sure I said something to prevent from further expenditure, but could I still have something elseI'll end. I'm sorry. I'm sarting to wonder is all this a trick?? and somehoe place words that won't harm me too much?? But either way, its still hurting me like shit. So If you realise this..stop pretending. Let this linger within you so you could question yourself if you had did the right thing and not cause any further damage to what has already been destroyed. Think... if you had did all you could to help and prevent further feelings being demolished.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

that disappointment

Slept over at Wen's house. Had conflict in the morning, then went off to The Curve for food. Had lunch in Ikea then walked around Curve. Was suppose to have a sort of gathering that night but not many people could turn up so it was canceled. Was so disappointed. Really really disapponted. But anyways, we watched Wall.E, and this idiot stepped on my foot. OUCH!!!! We were like walking around aimlessly cuz there was nothing to do.... Ohh... we sort of were talking about english names, and then if you put all three of our initials together it spelt GAY.. hahaa. We ended the day at TGI.Fridays with only 4 people, including Amanda Yong. She came after all those who ffk us. Yes, fong fei kei. EEsh. Ate and left. And thats already the highlight of my holidays

I dreamt of you again

But this time, it was more real then a dream

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Crushed, not by love or hatred. But by the anger that wells up in me. the broken heart inside this family. How long will I still be able to cope living like this eventhough I keep thinking that I'm one of those luckiest girls alive. No, I'm not. Everything is ruined, my birthday and the joyful mood I was in. I'm so angry at everything and I can't see things clearly. Anger blurs my vision and obscure my sight and I'm not able to tell whats right. Everything is just not right. Why can't I just live for once without deals and terms and conditions. Sure, there will be limits to what I do but with so many deals to keep??? I don't know if I can cope. But I think I still can hold on. It won't last long but at least I'm holding on.....

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The cherished gift

Eunice's birthday. lets see where to start. Had girly sessions which consists of lots of shopping for outfits and chatting and eating and walking. Ohh..and make up-ing. =] ... Was in yishion laughing like idiots and the workers there were like staring at us. We were swaying as though we were drunk but we sure were having tons of fun. Ohhh... in the end we bought like lots of clothes from yishion excluding me and wen cuz we bought short pants at the market that morning. Ai Ni had a scar we didn't know about that look like a dragon with a butterfly wing on one side. I'm serious.lols. I swear she has the whitest palest pair of legs I have ever seen. Then, we went to padini and bought a top for meng pei and me. =] After that, we rushed to the toilet and did make up, well not really make up excluding the eye shadow and mascara and bla bla bla...just foundation. Bought Eunice's present and then went to the Opal Condo thingi.
Ai Ni's mum took us there and we were laughing our butts off because we kept going round and round.
Gave Eunice her presents and saw Lai Yee and Zi Chuen. Slowly the crowd starts to pour in and we watched a slide show of her journey through life thingi and ate.. ohh..btw, lee chong wei lost...sob sob. no more gold medal. Mum said he played badly and didnt put up a fight. It seems he was content with a silver.
Anyways, Eunice knew something was up and shortly after her blowing out the candles... we dragged her into the pool. then all of us got pushed in. Well.. fine not all, but some. Still haven't get Lai Yee for pushing me in. Ohhh.. I accidentely wet Wen's phone. It seems the whole thing went in the water.. lol. So that about sums up Eunice's birthday. =]
Happy Birthday sweetheart!!!!
will post up the picture when I get them

Friday, August 15, 2008

Bla la la

Eunice's birthday bash is coming... =]
My birthday "bash" is coming.... note the inverted commas

Lee Chong Wei made it into the finals...Finally, something to be proud of in the olympics. I'll bet he's dreaming of the RM1 mil now..

People, please update your blog...ran out of things to read...=]

went over to Hao Min's house for some short guitar lessons. And then went over to my house instead cuz she wanted some songs of mine. walked...talked...laughed. Was trying to tune the guitar cuz dad tuned it all wrong. Hao Min sat there trying to test the newly tuned strings. Can you imagine the big guitar on her. Yes, I laughed..hahaha. I mean, I don't usually see her with the big acoustic guitar. Wait, can you imagine hao min plays the guitar.. Wayyy cool. I'm still learning too. Tried to read some tabs or chords or whatever you like to name it, was being stubborn... could not read tabs at all, and still insisted on playing super hard songs. Well, thats my day today. Had some tgirly sessions with Wen again. We have "girly" sessions every tuesday and friday.. hahaa. Talked bout stuff. =]

In hysterics within these walls

and here i am pen down again
with broken tears and bleeding hand
never knowing what else to do
time is sought, there's none to pursue

these yellow parchment with black ink
and on them were words that sing
their soft voices patter in the wind
a banished curse, now a sin

one is lost and one is found
can you hear that silent sound
creepily pacing the earth like a hound
time stops so here i'm bound

Exams are finally over and you should see the way students sit for exam. wow. Yea thats it, wowMaybe if you get me then you'll understand. . haha. we really should call this exam "try-to-refer-for-answers-but-don't-let-teacher-see monthly assesment test" haha. Maybe that name suits it more. Nothing much interesting occured lately besides Eunice's birthday bash this sunday and my Post Birthday Party Sleepover. =] Can't wait. So, thats about it.

I will try to not posting anymore emo post but not posting them is outrageous, I mean we should express ourselves freely right?? But maybe sometimes, I realised that I only right when I'm forlorn, and in a distress mood. But thats how I am. I'm done. And no matter how many times I say this...... I never fullfill it. But now I try.

Happy Birthday to Yeow Lai Yee and Liu Ming Yao and the soon to be birthday girl, Eunice!!!

Its pretty much to deal with lately eventhough you think I'm just the everyday happy laughing girl. Deep down in whats buried inside are all the hurt and pain you can never feel. But here I try to hide everything, everything that could even lead to questionin. I'm so tired trying to hide everything everyday eventhough it may seem like an easy job to do. I swear I'd do anything to try and find something to get this pain off me. How could anyone bear this. I alone, immensed in my own thoughts figuring out what do they want to tell me. To torment me forever and never leave me at ease??? I want a little peace, thats all I ask. Enough of going through so much pain and so much tears at night. Enough of laughter when I could laugh no longer. Enough of hurt when I could hold on no longer. I see people being hurt and then consoling them, telling them its okay and everything will be okay when I know it never will be. Sometimes, lies are better that the truths. My walls are crumbling on me, leaving me no where to escape. Please put my burden at ease.

i swear really swear not to write anymore emo stuff.. =]

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Holding onto that thin line

Still holding on to whats left of my solemn body....

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Stepping out through a new world

Pink sunsets with yellow smiles
Clear serene waters like the river Nil
And falling leaves upon the ground
Plucked gently, they fall without sound

So beautiful were they, flashing with colour
Of hues from and some more other
They stay with you as though they bother
You take a glimpse of things so sombre

These memories vivid within me
I dug in deep in which to see
The things that I could never foresee
That I have once held the key
And through this long meandering past
I know this beauty will never last
Never know why I took this task
To be hiding behind that dark black mask

Some were sweet with some so pain
And like darkness you want them slain
These memories still they could be tame
But all together, they're all the same
So here is where i still lay
Silently waiting the end of the day
And as it turns to another say
These memories still come finding their way
Though not as if I care
That the day was never fair
To see that path that wanted wear
To be trod on as though its there
And so finally in the end
There were only footprints in the sand
Would you let me take you hand
And journey back to where memories land
Everything's still...

Thursday, August 7, 2008

It was never for me to want.

I didn't ask for the impossible. I didn't ask for the humiliation. But it seems the things i asked was too much for you. I never asked for anything that you are unable to accomplish but such little things, such petty acts, you could not pull them off. Why? You owe me half the time i have sacrificed for your better sake. And for that each moment you've taken, i never wanted them back. These things i had to go through, these thoughts i have to slay. And you still never ever thought of giving me back what was once a part of my dignity. To give me back something small and insignificant to you, but meant the world to me. I deserved something more. You have everything and yet I have nothing.

Today, is the very day i turn sixteen. Thank you to those who have remembered them and thank you to those who have wished me. They mean alot to me. Mum has finally gotten me a cake for my sweet sixteen. Its now 6.51p.m and before i know it, the day will soon be over. And the time that remained special throughout this day, i gratefully thank those who have made them even more special.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Dawn's breaking

So bored bored bored. Had the banner drawing competition today. Was having fun splatting paint everywhere. The results were not bad. In fact, I loved what we've done. =]
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I finally got my guitar. Fine, its not brand new or shiny or cool. Its mine thats all that matters. I love it love it love it. Thank you Hao Min!! I feel like an idiot holding the guitar sometimes, cause i don't know how to play it yet. Dads gonna put in new strings and then tune it for me, then teach me how to play.. AWESOME!!
Breaking dawn is out people, so please don't tell me any spoilers because I want the thrills there and the suspense too. Edward Cullen is hot hot hot. XD

ohh, just wanna wish Yu Xin a Happy Birthday for tomorrow is her birthday.

Happy Birthday Yu Xin!!!

Hari Koko marching practices
hahahaaaaa... Lim Ai Ni

Can't wait for surprises. =)

Monday, August 4, 2008

Life and its inevitable ways

lalala... I know you love my blog layout because I love it too!!!! hahaa.
THANK YOU PUA SZE YIN!!!!! banyak banyak muaxxx... xp
Couldn't update blog cause busy with stuff, now am currently rushing to type some crap in to show you I've been blogging and yeah, thats about it. I love my blog =] Can't help but bragging.
Today I was sitting in class like a crazy duck cuz we had five free periods and thats too much free periods at once. Tomorrow theres this banner competition thingi and we get to skip for 3 hours, not that its good or anything. But, a little recreational time for me to get away from sejarah.. Urgh, so sick of listening bout Nabi Muhammad and his "interesting" life. Bahh, I really rather read chinese history though.
Having a really bad stomach so excuse the really really random post, though I am still in my sanest mind. =]
Till then......

Saturday, August 2, 2008

My world as it is

I feel as if everything now is really really just drifting apart, my friends and family.
The silence between our worlds starts growing and eating away the bonds that linked us together like bacteria. Eating away everything slowly and quietly.
Maybe thats what I think, or maybe thats just how i feel lately. the reassurance once there is now gone just when I needed it most. I'm moving away, fading into the background of a picture or a blue part in the skies. My boat is floating endlessly to nowhere, no destination , just bobbing along above the dark frightening waters.
I feel as if i were in pieces waiting for someone to come along and piece me back up to how I was before.

Life should be lived as it is, like I've always said. Its true that maybe the things I said I could never follow. But what am I to say, I am human after all.


The last person to tag you is?
Wenyi and Khoy Yan and Yin

What relationship of you with him/her?
Khoy Yan: classmates
Wen: good friends
Yin: happy crazy friends

Your 5 impressions towards him/her?
Khoy Yan: cute, funny, friendly, helpful, scout lover (really really obsessed)
Wen: loyal, kind, helpful, funny, another scout lover xp
Yin: funny, funny, funny, funny and helpful =] (my blog skin)

The most memorable thing that he/she has done to you?
Khoy Yan: talking and accompanying me when I was alone
Wen: standing by my side when no one else would
Yin: err.. help me with my blog..hahaa

The most memorable words that he/she has say to you?
Khoy Yan: memorable?? words--too many
Wen: wenyi gives memorable words?? hahaa....
Yin: I'll help you with ur blog

If he/she becomes your lover, you will..
Khoy Yan: shake her vigorously and start screaming "are you in your right mind!!!"
Wen: send her for brain surgery
Yin: splash her face with cold water

If he/she becomes your enemy, you will..
Khoy Yan: impossible, too sweet to be one
Wen: my enemy??? not possible
Yin: never..hahaa too funny

If he/she becomes your lover, he/she has to improve on..
Khoy Yan: errr...height?? xp
Wen: opening herself up
Yin: err.. I dont know

If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason is..
Khoy Yan: never do chinese homework??!!?
Wen: errr....turning to the other side. but still not possible
Yin: she never help me with my blog skin =]

The most desirable things to do for he/she?
Khoy Yan: Do chinese homework
Wen: I wish I knew what is there to do
Yin: gives her a kiss.. muah

The overall impression to he/her is..
Khoy Yan: Cute!!! xiao mei mei.. haha
Wen: forever loyal and true to herself
Yin: FUNNY!!!!!! wheeeeeeeee

How do you think the people around you will feel about her?
Khoy Yan: adorable and friendly
Wen: the ultimate friend
Yin: all that a friend should be

The character for yourself is?
It depends on which side you're on

On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is?
the part where I could never open up and forever doubting everyone

The most ideal person you want to be is?
Myself =]

For the person who cares and likes you, say something about them..
ermm..thanks for the unending support given

10 people to tag:
1) Ai Ni
3)Wen Han
6)Xi Ning
7)Ai Pei
8)Ming Yao
9)Vin Yi
10)Amanda Leong

Who is No. 2 having relationship with?
err.. whitney?? ( husband and wife ) xp

Is No. 3 a female or a male?
hahaa...give a guess. Male

If No.7 and 10 be together would it be a good thing?
errr... I don't think so

How about No. 5 and 8?
hahaa..not unless the world went wrong

What is No. 1 studying about?
Ai Ni.. accounts I suppose

When was the last time you had a chat with them?you mean msn?
Ai Ni-2 minutes ago
the rest....( didn't go online for bout two weeks )