the wrong path

today, I feel like writing again. 

I just feel like recent events were all bad choices. 

My stuff got stolen, then my friend found a home that was cheaper and better, 

and I just realized I lost a sum of money. 

Luck has not been on my side lately, and life is just not working out for me. 

I went to Brighton the other day and I saw the my uni's art department. 

And today, I saw a girl who just got accepted to Tisch School of Arts at NYU.

What am I doing here?

Why am I pushing myself into doing I so half-heartedly want to do?

 

Sometimes I wonder, am I walking in the right direction?

Is this the path I would choose for myself?

Is this truly, truly what I want?

I don't know. 

Everyone has dreams. 

And everyone would want to achieve their dreams.

I have dreams of losing myself in colours, and paint.

I have dreams of petals, ruffles, and neverending swirls in a thousand hues.

I have dreams of painting translucent wings, butterflies, pink clouds and gushing waterfalls.

I have dreams of studying art, but I did not want it bad enough.

I guess having dreams doesn't mean that if I strayed from my path, my dreams aren't fulfilled.

Who knows, in the future, that my dreams would suddenly crash onto me.

And what I do now would interlock with what I want to do.

We don't only have one dream.

Dreams do come in plural for a reason.

We can't have everything we want.

But we could work for those that we really need in our lives.

I guess we'll see how my life would turn out to be.

I've made a decision.

And I want to live through it.

This is my dream.

At least, for now.

:)

stop. listen.

Here I am.

After so long.

I just felt like writing this down. Not because I want to relive this memory over and over again.
I guess I just want to think about you again. As I write, I feel like I'm reliving my past all over again.
They say that if you keep thinking about the past, you're only moving backwards.
But to me, thinking about my past, helps me move forwards, in quick strides.

I still think of you after so long. Sometimes I still wonder what is so magical of you, that made me so intoxicated. It felt as if I've been in darkness for so long, and then you came along.
You weren't the light that saved me, my own sorrow did.
But you were the poison, the drug that gave me vivid hallucinations of sunlight.

Time draws on and on. And every new life that I've started, a part of my past is being dug up to share.
I've kept you a secret for so long. You were a part of my past that felt to good to be shared.
Because, I'm afraid that if I've shared that past, I would never move on.

Other times I wondered to myself, even if I did share things about you.
What was there to talk about? There was no drama, no returned affections, no scene to replay.
Only simple words from you that now barely seems like whispered echoes, disappearing each day.
And I could only hear fragments of that sound, so distorted by time.

It is not so much of memories of you that I wanted to relive, but the way you made me feel.
The same particular level that we stand on,
like a thousand stairs for a thousand people, but we shared one step.
I still think of your words, your writing which inspired me.
All of which were part of the drug that held me down for so long.

Everytime I think of someone else, I'd still think of you.

Wonder how long will that go on before I admit that you were just another new single word in my book.

lovin yourself

I know blogging has long been abandoned.
Writing on the internet has just lost it's touch I guess.
Life's either been too busy and happy or too depressing to be repeatedly written out everyday.

But today, this is something that I need to get off my chest.

So story of my life was that I attended a dinner get together with some friends.
Trying to remain somewhat ambiguous.

My friends made fun of my recent addiction to "junkfood" instead of proper dinner.
And they chastised at my lack of taste in men idols, whatever you wanna call it.
This girl very carelessly mentioned that because of my mutual liking of this idol, I had made myself a failure when it comes to having a relationship.
I'm not proud to say that I have never been in a proper relationship before, neither am I shy about the fact.
But the only problem about this that made me think twice was when she said I was, I guess in better terms of describing it, picky.
Does she think that being in a relationship is about discussing the different aspects of your partner ?!?!
I was absolutely outraged.
Does she mean that her relationship was based on what her boyfriend has to offer her instead ?!?!?
How unbelievably shallow her thoughts were.
I, for one who has never been in a relationship knows what falling in love means.
And she, has had many previous experience, and yet she does not know the meaning of a relationship.

Maybe she was careless with her words.
Maybe in the heat of the discussion on man idols, she did not meant what she said.
But her words lingered and it made me hate myself.

Then, it does not end there.
Sure I was going gaga with having snacks now and then.
But does that make me a culprit?
I do go to the gym and exercise every now and then, but I don't think they have a right to make fun of me.

It was stupid and harsh, but it went on and on even when I said to stop.
Harassing me is not something I can tolerate.
I will tend to lash out which then leads to unnecessary outbreak and then followed by immense guilt.

What they said made me feel terrible about myself.
How can they be so hypocritical. Sure I eat snacks, but don't they?
Does it mean that they don't eat snacks at all. No.
How can they so bravely defend their own honour but they make fun of another because they don't want to be a target themselves.
It is disgusting and rude.

But I did not felt that way.

when I came back. all I felt like was purging.

I would never resort to purging, I do not think of myself so shallow and undignified.
Eventhough I do not have society's desirable body shape, I do not resort to eating pills or purging.
Sure I was called fat for three months at my old workplace, and I stood tall all through it.
But this was too much.

I cried myself to sleep.
And the very next morning. I tried to purge myself.
I cried so much and I hated myself more than I could ever hate anyone in a lifetime.
So, I stopped.

I am strong, and I am perfect in my own way.
And there is absolutely no need for me to purge or starve.

I study about the finer things in life. I study about food and the senses.
So how can I be restricting myself in life's great offers just because I wanna prove her wrong.
I don't live for anybody, and neither should anyone. 

done

It's been a long while since I've blogged.
I guess I realized that this habit has stopped.

I've been done with my feelings and myself. 

I wanna taste you again, like a secret or a sin

The wonderful english weather in eastbourne.

Went down to the pier yesterday and it was beautiful.

Everything here is so breathtaking. 

I'm still trying to cope so badly with the people here.

I've met a few friends and they hold me together for now. 

The longing to go back home is so great and sometimes, I feel like I'm at a lost.

I feel lonely and depressed.

And so unfamiliar with the surroundings.

Maybe I should go out more often, that would distract me.

I've just started one class here and I've already made myself and outcast.

Pray that things would get better soon.

As the english would say

"KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON"

bye !

so most of the stuff have been settled and now I'm ever more prepared to leave.
There are though a few hiccups here and there that I still have to settle.

It's becoming so unreal. 

genting

some photos taken when we were up in genting.

It was cold and it was mad fun. 

We were crazy exhausted by 2 in the afternoon after riding most of the rides.

I wished it lasted longer.

But I enjoyed spending time with my "family"

:)

So lazy to update.

Still semi busy with trying to send everything for visa.