Monday, August 31, 2009

Cold wind that blunders itself through my veins

Its cold. It always is to me. The flooding warmth has been lost, a very long time ago. If I would have been blogging two years ago, I guess my words would not have been so grin and sullen. Life as it seems, could always be so different. And I could be so oblivious to its many petty changes. This desolate place, barren and dour, is choking me. I falter before I could step back, for I could not be so impetous again. Mistakes to me are insubstantial revelations. And to come out from them, needed adequate courage. I admit that I could not be ardent about that other side of things that somehow made life still bearable to me. The world could still be vague, but the frivolous malevolence could still be seen. A blue sky to shade the grew ones was deplorable, but how long would that last. How long could I last against this torment, that I have so foolishly created myself. Frail that I am, against my own will, as I try to impel myself to forget. Forget. The word could always be so easily said. Incredulous of course, if one was to be able to so easily complete that task. Detestful, I am against myself... For the falling that I should have so easily restraint from. Forbearance towards these delusions and the other dreams that I have created. I walk away into this raining night, trying to leave everything out of sight. I guess this commendation was just another breath taken in.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dresses for sale

Starched cotton
Adjustable straps

Black chiffon
Sequined straps and bodice

Anyone interested in these clothes?
Brand new. Bought but didn't like it.
Fits most people from size 4 to size 8.
Ask me for the price. :)

They're really really nice.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

So much for the glimmer of hope, what was I thinking?

Why does everything have to be so bloody difficult? The tears and the spur-of-the-moment kind of joy. The laughing and the never ending dreams I could stay about in forever. But nothing was real and solid. Nothing! What am I doing? Trying to please someone so bloody hard, when we both know, and so does the rest of the world.. it will never come out right. Someone has to come out with a mangled heart. And the best part is that the other person does not have to know. So gullible I am, and so stubborn with not accepting that is who I am. I keep slipping away into dreams, but of course they aren't real. How could the ever be. All the nonsense I've left in my own head..... Struggling to come out, but I can't. The world can be so uncanny at times. Always changing.. But the rest of us are stuck here, forced to move with it.

Have you ever felt like sometimes, you are not what you want to be.. And the craving for perfection gets to you, until you can't stop wallowing yourself in hate and abhorance? Maybe not. But I have. Some of us gets lucky, and some of us just don't. Its hard to let reality sink in. And the pain starts slowly from there, and it never stops.

Maybe just for a while, when laughter takes you in. And the rest of the world does not seem to matter. But how long would that ever last. Falling in love was never for the weak. For the weak will not be able to go against the torrential downpour, against the grey clouds that infiltrate the blue sky, against the endless pain and hopeless longings.

Hope would seem like a joke. How could anyone believe in that anymore? Because I don't.
If everything just seem so easy, if only I knew how to look the other way.... If only I could abstain from falling. But I didn't know.

The clouds will still roll on thick, fluffy parts, and the rain would just come falling.
And I would still be here standing, drenched in wretched tears, and the descending of the rain.
I would never be different. I would never be her. I would never be the girl I had so long dreamt of. I would never be the fictional character with all too happy endings. I won't.
And nothing changes.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Da dee da da dumm

I'm feeling all mellow today.

I really miss Miss Beh's concert last year. I've bet everyone heard of this a thousand times before. But everyday for two whole months, I could only think of meeting my friends for practices. There are no worries, no sadness, just free. Okay, maybe we had to meet the deadline for souvenirs and ended up staying really late for the whole thing. But it was all worth it. And I absolutely love every moment of it. Its almost a year since then. I can't help smiling at all the stupid pictures taken then. Laughter everywhere, everday. Joy joy joy. :)

This is what life should be about. No, this is what a teenager's life should be about.

Physics tuition tonight. Tata.
I still try to stop feeling so lowly of myself. Nevertheless, I'm happy today.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The only season left in my world is the never ending winter, and the spring that did not come

Its always the rows we had that complicated things. They weren't even proper rows. Just harsh words that mean nothing to her. But to me. I wasn't even suppose to be involved. And I don't even know how the fuck did I get involved. It's so damn irritating sometimes. I hate it. Its always her. Everything petty little thing is taken to consideration. And then when she's not happy, she blows. Control your damn emotions. Because this is one life I cannot take.

I am trying to live with it everyday.
So stop pushing me.

The song emanates from within creates
an anguish way of everything
And words become incomprehensible
Strewn about
they turn into nothingness

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

UNtouched by you

I am up bright and early today. Don't I always.
Anyway, was about to go down to study when I saw the computer calling out my name.
Not literally. Just metaphorically speaking.
And so here I am.
Comtemplating on whether I should skip Terry's add maths exams.
I hate sitting for add maths. Its such a stupid subject.
Would not let it ruin my day.

Moving on....
Went to 1 u to look at some dresses.
I didn't know looking for a dress would be so difficult. With my mum's opinion and mine.
We have very VERY different idea on the concept of prom.
So much for buying the perfect dress.

We'll have to leave at that for later. Taa....

Friday, August 21, 2009

Unable to stay, unwilling to leave

One week of trials is finally over people!
I am semi happy.
If that really counts as a descriptive term.

Bio bio bio. Biology was okayy I guess.
Despite all the last minute cramming and endless workbooks that I've done.
Sheesh. Sometimes its really annoying.

Then there's chemistry.
I don't think I wanna talk about that.
One week of peace.
Wait, I have add maths exam coming up....

You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare.

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow, why then oh why can't I.

I really troubles would melt away like lemon drops. I probably won't be getting any sleep tonight. Chemistry was suppose to be easy. I'm definately depressed now. Going to study bio like nobody's business. Hope I don't fall asleep tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The spoken reason

I'm lost.
I'm terribly terribly lost.
And I'm afraid.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

What are you waiting for?

I would die of embarassment today.
Being a girl is not so easy as it looks. Hahaa.

Chemistry tomorrow. ARGH!
I want tips tips tips.

Graham Masterton writes really scary books.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Unravelled confessions.

Happy Birthday to Lai Yee today.

School passed by in a blur today.
Not in a mood to study anymore.
I'm studying and reading storybooks at the same time.
I am going to screw chemistry. Really I will.

Three classes crammed into one physics lab today.
You should see the teratai faces.
So eager to learn about nuclear bombs.
They're abomination. :)

Ai Ni!!!! I am really sorry about today.
Hahaaa. Will make it up to you okay.
But NEVER mention it to anyone.
I wonder if anyone else saw me. It's embarrasing.

Sometimes, I just never laugh so much in my life.

What I will do to just let go.
I'm drowning myself.
Let go.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Ad infinitum forever


Hello people.
It's over already.
So much for a celebration. But I won't ask much. :)

I'll see you people then.

Friday, August 7, 2009


My my crazy friends.
TamTam and JengJeng.
Who are happily married couples looking at their photos.

I have so so so much to say.
And my fingers are feeling so sore now because of all the thank you wishes I have to type.
Facebook is a very dangerous thing...

First and foremost,
here comes my super uber loooong speech.

to all my friends that have wished me.
And even to my primary school friends.
And of course my classmates,
and even some from the other side as well.

to my ever crazy friends from siantan
who sticks together like glue.
But I guess thats what makes them special.

for all those lovely gifts you people have given me.

And... An even bigger thank you
to my sister.
Who has undoubtedly shown her unselfishness.
Because she has given me things I'd never expected
You presentsss have really overwhelmed me.
Showing how observant you have been to my words.
*and I am hugging my Fugi now as I type away*

I am probably building muscles typing all these.
But I hope its worth it.

Will write bout Mr Long tomorrow.
Although there's not much to write about.
He has left today, and it felt like a really grand wedding party.
Everyone came in to celebrate his leaving.
And of course we followed him up and down and out and in. Lol.
It was funny.

So that pretty much sums up my birthday.
But I am thankful. :)

I'm reading eclipse tonight.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

You and your impudent boldness

Hello Hello Hello.

I hate my phone.
Yes I will rant about how pathetic and stubborn my phone is, making decisions on its own.
No I am not crazy.... yet.
Although the haze is definately getting to me.

Anyway, back to my impetuous phone.
It was always flashing the earth sign thingi at the top.
And so I dismissed it as some minor faulty problem.
But when I went to check my balance, it was stated there RM0.01 in bold.
Okayy, it wasn't actually in bold. But RM40 gone in a week.
IT'S PREPOSTEROUS!!!! and right now I feel like wringing someone's scrawny neck.
I wanna kill somebody.

bluudy hell.

Stupid flashing earth thingi-ma-ningi.
I'm broke now.
And I absolutely loath my phone.

So.... I will remain calm and not smash my phone to smithereens.


"I could pretend that the Swan girl was of no interest to me.
But that was the extent, just pretense and not reality."

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Ad Infinitum


Cough. cough.
Breathes in deeply.
Wake up.
Write notes.

That was what I have been doing for the past few days.
It's either the haze or something else.
I just can't seem to concentrate right.
Must be the drugs. I had one too many.
But I neeeeed them. :)

I'm so so tired all the time and exams are coming.
Owhh, I hate the people who is burning forests.

withing the flowing barley sighs
betoken the hurling abhor lies
besotted by the one who cries
an inexorable perdition that ties

doused by the illusory light
to obfuscate that wicked sight
oblivious to this waking night
and shudder away from soaring height

come away from the apple tree
bearing fruits which calls to thee
withered thought you might not see
this world holds out unto me

did this in a semi-conscious state. crazy ain't it. :)
will try to swallow less lozenges.

This abhorence of abstaining.

My throat still hurts like hell after the long weeked. And I'm coming down with the flu now. Everyone's getting sick lately. It's definately the weather. It's always so dreary and I'm getting tired all the time. I'm so addicted to eating lozenges now I don't think I want to stop. It numbs the pain for a bit. But sometimes it hurts and it itches I just feel like dousing myself with lots of panadol. Please bear with the horse like voice for awhile. :) Want to get better soon.
Btw, happy seventeenth birthday wen dee. I hope you like the sunflowers. :)

The last of my torments, the most painful:
Bella's indifference.
As I ignored her, she ignored me.

I did't understand this emotion ― it was such a tangle of pain and rage and desire and despair.
I had never felt it before.
I was jealous.
Jealous because it was not me who was unlocking Bella's secret.
- edward cullen -

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Slow dancing in a burning room

This is the skeptical look.
classic. lol

Pictures owed from Malam Bakat and Hari Koku.
I am gonna miss my friends

Please. No comments.
Nobody's perfect.
But the perfect part, was where I see happiness in.
The ones that made me laugh.
And the ones that made everything seemed okay.

Lenka's showcase at 1u today.
I so so want to go.
But then there's tuition.
Mummy was contemplating on whether to bring me there.
Then she remembered.
I have tuition.
Spoils the mood. EESH.

I am now reading Bio, Sejarah and
for the umpteenth time.

I love delving into a good story.