Saturday, August 29, 2009

So much for the glimmer of hope, what was I thinking?

Why does everything have to be so bloody difficult? The tears and the spur-of-the-moment kind of joy. The laughing and the never ending dreams I could stay about in forever. But nothing was real and solid. Nothing! What am I doing? Trying to please someone so bloody hard, when we both know, and so does the rest of the world.. it will never come out right. Someone has to come out with a mangled heart. And the best part is that the other person does not have to know. So gullible I am, and so stubborn with not accepting that is who I am. I keep slipping away into dreams, but of course they aren't real. How could the ever be. All the nonsense I've left in my own head..... Struggling to come out, but I can't. The world can be so uncanny at times. Always changing.. But the rest of us are stuck here, forced to move with it.

Have you ever felt like sometimes, you are not what you want to be.. And the craving for perfection gets to you, until you can't stop wallowing yourself in hate and abhorance? Maybe not. But I have. Some of us gets lucky, and some of us just don't. Its hard to let reality sink in. And the pain starts slowly from there, and it never stops.

Maybe just for a while, when laughter takes you in. And the rest of the world does not seem to matter. But how long would that ever last. Falling in love was never for the weak. For the weak will not be able to go against the torrential downpour, against the grey clouds that infiltrate the blue sky, against the endless pain and hopeless longings.

Hope would seem like a joke. How could anyone believe in that anymore? Because I don't.
If everything just seem so easy, if only I knew how to look the other way.... If only I could abstain from falling. But I didn't know.

The clouds will still roll on thick, fluffy parts, and the rain would just come falling.
And I would still be here standing, drenched in wretched tears, and the descending of the rain.
I would never be different. I would never be her. I would never be the girl I had so long dreamt of. I would never be the fictional character with all too happy endings. I won't.
And nothing changes.

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