Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
the changes are moving too quickly.
like water currents, that splashes onto the beach, and withdraws out again. it ebbs and flow with a soft rhythm, but rushes at the same time, as though running out of time.
I don’t know how I am suppose to approach this. Everything’s different now. With changes moving so quickly I can’t catch the movements and the ticking of time.
Will you bail on me, just like they have done?
Will you change so quickly, as other did before you?
Will you remain the same as them?
After all, they could be the same as you.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
I guess I’m a kind of queer person. Sometimes thinking and imagining things in a more different perspective than usual.
I envy them, but I am unable to do the same. I will not put myself in that situation again, and I will not torment others to be in mine too. It hurt, and I’ve only taken so long to climb out of this dark hole.
Now, I try to be happy, and love the company I have and the things I am doing now. I live my life to the very fullest, and fill up every space of my life with doing things that makes me happy.
No longer will I wait, or believe in those fairytales they tell. I only believe that I will achieve if I chase reality and not those surreal lies.
You have killed my hopes before. But now I have returned, stronger and happier. And yes, I didn’t need you to be happy after all.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Another very unproductive week. Have been sleeping late these few days stressing again about stuff. I swear I’m gonna get old really really soon.
Went to KL yesterday. Was a really random decision.
Walked around town to check out all the hotels in the area. The hotels are like so friggin gorgeous. (wish I was mad rich) The whole city was crowded with people and we walked from one end to another. I honestly can’t wait for my internship now.
Until then, there’s no much to report about. The week passed was as boring as ever.
OH, but I forgot to mention I did bartending this week for service class. I’ll have to do service for the next class. I’m starting to hate this class. I can’t serve for shits ! The last experience was a nightmare and just the thought of me made me cringe.
Anyway, there’s not much to say. Everyone is busy with their results and their applications for their internships.
Till then. (:
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I hate her I hate her. So much for standing behind me when I feel like falling. So much for being there for me. So much for encouraging me in achieving something greater. Please.
I just realized how much I have to struggle on my own. How much I hate coming home to see your face. How much I despise having to disappoint you by not being up to your standards. It makes me feel so despicable.
I know I’m never going to be good enough. And I never wanna try pleasing you anymore. Its so tiring. And I cannot take it anymore. If you don’t agree, then its fine with me. From here on end, you don’t determine where I go. I do.
As for the rest, I have no choice but to put up with you. But I know soon, It will all be over when I leave.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
dancing, jumping the notes to a song
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Its been a long week. Am trying to adapt to the new timetable. Have not been very successful so far. I feel old and haggard and very very tired. Thing is, I’m not doing very exhausting work lately, so why am I feeling this way?
Went Taipan yesterday with a few people for dinner and fun stuff. Walked around the whole place and ended the day with crazy laughters. It was great fun.
Anywayy, am now looking for accommodation in Penang. Am deciding to apply for my internship at Penang. Its my chance to live independently. (: I am fairly excited although I am going there alone.
Reminiscing some old photos.
I miss these people very much. I can’t believe its almost one year already.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Love love love. I will have you one day.
Fetched my sister to tuition today. Mum left for Ipoh and just came back. Had a good drive around the nearby area in the morning. Dad just came back from his company trip too this morning. Slacked around the whole afternoon doing nothing.
Finally got round to watching eclipse. Lots of kissing sial.
Will be watching Dorian Gray tonight. LOVE !
I don’t really know why am I putting myself up for all of this. Is it to show that I’m a good person, that I’m all that there is? Then, everything will just be but an act put up to impress people. Sometimes, I wonder if I really did put up an act for all to see. If so, what I am doing is all worthless. I’m not an honest person after all. Everything is for the show.
Then I wonder, who am I really? If all I’ve done is just an act. If all I’ve done is just what I am on the outside. I don’t know.
All these years, I think about the things that I’ve done. I question myself of all the rumours that circulated around me. Were they true after all ? Was I so mean to the extent that people are talking about me? That people would hate me so much?
I can’t help evaluating myself. Who am I? What have I done? What did I do that was right? I can’t help doubting myself, and I can’t help doubting my friends. I can’t help doubting the world. Wondering if the world was doubting me too?
For so long, I thought what I did was good. My intentions were pure. I did not mean to hurt anybody or make anyone upset. I have never thought of bringing anybody down. Except her of course. But that was only one time. And in the end, I did nothing to hurt her. It was all empty words to appease my anger.
Am I good after all? Will I go to heaven after I die?
I put up with all of them. I’d lie for her. I’m willing to put myself through so much trouble just to make everybody happy. But was it enough? Was it really really enough for all?
I don’t know what I really want anymore. I don’t know if I can still cope with satisfying everybody's needs. I don’t know if my whole existence was created to slave myself to everybody’s needs. And I don’t know if in the end, I’d mattered to these people after all.
I don’t know.
I guess I will never find out.
As for the rest of my existence, I could only live it to find out.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
These are the few pictures before the downfall.
But I think I’ll just look at it in a positive way. I’ll just become a better planner next time. And the next time, I’ll be screwing everyone and not the other way around.
The first day was fun. No last minute things or worries or whatsoever. We all just went with the flow. Reach apartment, walk around town, have dinner, drink and go mad, laugh like nobody’s business.
When looking at it properly, the first day wasn’t that perfect either.
I honestly hope these people had fun, because their happiness was my priority for this trip. And I’m not trying to be hero here, or sound like a soppy puss. Through all and all, the main thing was fun.
I’m not sure is it an after effect or trauma, but this depression is getting to me. I feel like there’s this heavy burden I cannot lift.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
No I won’t lie. These few days were tough on me. And I have cracked too many times under the pressure. Taking on this task was a tough one for me, a handling so many teenagers at once may cause a little problems here and there.
Everything was done so last minute. And if it wasn’t for Ericca,nothing would have been done either. She’s helped alot and I am grateful for that.
To all those who went, I’m sorry if things didn’t come out the way you planned it to be. But I did try my best.
Will elaborate tomorrow. Am too tired to stay awake.
Monday, October 4, 2010
I swore to myself, to never live in doubt again.
But there are some things that have happened, that cannot be easily erased. I tire myself, thinking of the same old words I want to tell you. Thinking of the things that I would’ve done if you were there. I know that I may never go back, and I may never see you again. There are just so many things I wan to tell you, so many new findings and words and rhymes I want to share with you.
I guess its just all to late now.
Have you ever thought what could’ve been?
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Monin cup competition was this morning. Too nervous to take any pictures. But I think some people may have taken mine.
Anyway, spent the whole week stressing about finals and the last minute trip to Cameron. I have not gotten anything settle yet and I am so scared everything wouldn’t turn out right. I really am scared. I have not planned something so big before on my own. Sure I have people helping me to run errands but the other little details, I have to settle alone.
Its a challenge for me and though I spent nights worrying over it, I think I like the excitement. I am certainly not crazy. but I love every single moment I spent to plan an event especially for good friends.
But I wish this goes through. Everything is so last minute and its good enough that i can hold on for this long. So many hardships were thrown in my way and the trip is just so soon. I honestly hope I can really pull this off.
And I also wanna thank all those who’ve helped me. they were insanely awesome people.
And I wanna thank Karen Yuen the most. For it was she who stood by me throughout the whole competition today. From the beginning to the end, she was there to cheer for me and help me stand up again. I have tried to back out so many times but she was there all the time, coaxing me,and helping. I’m touched woman. Thank you.
To Mr. Patrick too, who have faith in me. Who helped me when I was lost. Thank you for everything. I know I was not the strongest person there, and there was just too many times I’ve shown my weakness but I’ve learned. I’ll be up again for it next year. Better, stronger, and more confident in myself.
I LOVE YOU GUYS !