I don’t really know why am I putting myself up for all of this. Is it to show that I’m a good person, that I’m all that there is? Then, everything will just be but an act put up to impress people. Sometimes, I wonder if I really did put up an act for all to see. If so, what I am doing is all worthless. I’m not an honest person after all. Everything is for the show.
Then I wonder, who am I really? If all I’ve done is just an act. If all I’ve done is just what I am on the outside. I don’t know.
All these years, I think about the things that I’ve done. I question myself of all the rumours that circulated around me. Were they true after all ? Was I so mean to the extent that people are talking about me? That people would hate me so much?
I can’t help evaluating myself. Who am I? What have I done? What did I do that was right? I can’t help doubting myself, and I can’t help doubting my friends. I can’t help doubting the world. Wondering if the world was doubting me too?
For so long, I thought what I did was good. My intentions were pure. I did not mean to hurt anybody or make anyone upset. I have never thought of bringing anybody down. Except her of course. But that was only one time. And in the end, I did nothing to hurt her. It was all empty words to appease my anger.
Am I good after all? Will I go to heaven after I die?
I put up with all of them. I’d lie for her. I’m willing to put myself through so much trouble just to make everybody happy. But was it enough? Was it really really enough for all?
I don’t know what I really want anymore. I don’t know if I can still cope with satisfying everybody's needs. I don’t know if my whole existence was created to slave myself to everybody’s needs. And I don’t know if in the end, I’d mattered to these people after all.
I don’t know.
I guess I will never find out.
As for the rest of my existence, I could only live it to find out.