are you too, alone in the world out there?

Major service at college tomorrow.

College restaurants are having a buffet service for some very important people.

Wasn't selected for serving the vvips, bummer.

I really do know how to doubt myself, but at least I now where I stand.

It's either I'm just filled with that kind of jealousy for her, or I am another one of those selfish people. I want to be good, in fact, I want to be so much better.

But she has proven herself a good competition.

For the second time in my life, I am provoked and I hate the way I look all over again.

I know she has good bones, and she was active in alot of things.

And I just can't help envying her. :(

Makes me depressed all over again. sighs.

but whatever.

I'm making this work.

Was surprised because Mr.Patrick put me in charge of the rest. Or leftover

s as he calls us. :)

I won't ever ever doubt myself anymore. I know I can do this.

So yes, am accompanying some people to KL to collect their phone tomorrow morning.

Then come back to college for briefing and mise-en-place.

Saw KY, and Ashley and Julian today.

I just realized how much we have changed. And I miss seeing them.

I can't believe one year is ending.

Before you know it, all of us are working.

I'll stop being all soppy now.

Till then.

cause this was all made for you. :)

love me like the strong currents that pours onto the shore

the changes are moving too quickly.

like water currents, that splashes onto the beach, and withdraws out again. it ebbs and flow with a soft rhythm, but rushes at the same time, as though running out of time.

I don’t know how I am suppose to approach this. Everything’s different now. With changes moving so quickly I can’t catch the movements and the ticking of time.

Will you bail on me, just like they have done?

Will you change so quickly, as other did before you?

Will you remain the same as them? 

After all, they could be the same as you.

when they say speak now

I guess I’m a kind of queer person. Sometimes thinking and imagining things in a more different perspective than usual.

I envy them, but I am unable to do the same. I will not put myself in that situation again, and I will not torment others to be in mine too. It hurt, and I’ve only taken so long to climb out of this dark hole.

Now, I try to be happy, and love the company I have and the things I am doing now. I live my life to the very fullest, and fill up every space of my life with doing things that makes me happy.

No longer will I wait, or believe in those fairytales they tell. I only believe that I will achieve if I chase reality and not those surreal lies.

You have killed my hopes before. But now I have returned, stronger and happier. And yes, I didn’t need you to be happy after all.

you see me as I really am. I’m drowning to keep from fighting till the end

Another very unproductive week. Have been sleeping late these few days stressing again about stuff. I swear I’m gonna get old really really soon.

Went to KL yesterday. Was a really random decision.

Walked around town to check out all the hotels in the area. The hotels are like so friggin gorgeous. (wish I was mad rich) The whole city was crowded with people and we walked from one end to another. I honestly can’t wait for my internship now.  

Until then, there’s no much to report about. The week passed was as boring as ever.

OH, but I forgot to mention I did bartending this week for service class. I’ll have to do service for the next class. I’m starting to hate this class. I can’t serve for shits ! The last experience was a nightmare and just the thought of me made me cringe.

Anyway, there’s not much to say. Everyone is busy with their results and their applications for their internships.

Till then.   (:

you’re a monster

I hate her I hate her. So much for standing behind me when I feel like falling. So much for being there for me. So much for encouraging me in achieving something greater. Please.

I just realized how much I have to struggle on my own. How much I hate coming home to see your face. How much I despise having to disappoint you by not being up to your standards. It makes me feel so despicable.

I know I’m never going to be good enough. And I never wanna try pleasing you anymore. Its so tiring. And I cannot take it anymore. If you don’t agree, then its fine with me. From here on end, you don’t determine where I go. I do.

As for the rest, I have no choice but to put up with you. But I know soon, It will all be over when I leave.

a different point of view

dancing, jumping the notes to a song

she suddenly felt like they belong

and though she wasn't all that strong

she knows she can just fly along

the wind's soft music are calling out

to the dancers in their hideout

the moon has risen, away and far out

waiting for the withered drought

and though all this just makes no sense

I'll let the time dance and commence

for now there is just no suspense

to leave these words under my pretense

Am feeling so lazy this weekend. Have finally settled with my house chores and the posters.

And now I've ran out of things to do.

Will look for a book to read. :)

to feel this snow that soaks the ground

the words unwritten remain unfound

to hide away this light is earthbound

and down the waters this place has drown

so run and run and run this far

this place won't stay, it leaves a scar

we fight along within this war

swords in hand, and a hanging cigar

the weathered grass still sleeps in the cold

not bothered by light still standing so bold

leave here now for this place is getting old

stepping outbound away from this threshold

save me

I am angry. I am very very angry. In fact, I am in such a rage I feel like blowing up the house.

But I won't. Why?

Cause I am stupid and I know I will regret it very much later.

But there is no harm in bitching about her, because bitch about her I will.

I am tired of lying for her. I am tired of trying to cover up everything for her.

I am fucking tired. But nobody cares.

Its so hard to become the good character. Why can't I just be the villain.

It wouldn't make much of a difference except that I have a heart and she doesn't.

You would be the reason I left home.

And I anticipate the coming year where I won't be home for three months.

I am anticipating it. I'd rather stay alone, far away from any contacts for a while than face her bloody needs all the time. I swear she lives to enslave me. Its like her only reason to live.

TO ENSLAVE ME !!!

I don't know why am I so angry about this.

I am tired. To the brink that I bring the people around me down.

I swore to myself that everything will be okay.

And even then, I would try to stay happy.

But for those moments, I just can't.

How could one person take in all of these nonsense.

My life is nothing but a game, the part where I'm losing.

And it feels like I would only have a one in a million chance of staying alive.

Its that all.

That my life is at stake, and I am trying to survive on my own.

There's nobody here anymore.

I am all alone.

And yet, I take on the world.

I take on the things that I know would be impossible.

But I challenge myself at every angle.

I swerve and turn, and I run over the words and lies I had to keep.

Because, after holding on for so long.

I know it will end.

Somehow.

Brace myself for the goodbyes

Hello.

Its been a long week. Am trying to adapt to the new timetable. Have not been very successful so far. I feel old and haggard and very very tired. Thing is, I’m not doing very exhausting work lately, so why am I feeling this way?

Went Taipan yesterday with a few people for dinner and fun stuff. Walked around the whole place and ended the day with crazy laughters. It was great fun.

Anywayy, am now looking for accommodation in Penang. Am deciding to apply for my internship at Penang. Its my chance to live independently. (:  I am fairly excited although I am going there alone.

Reminiscing some old photos.

I miss these people very much. I can’t believe its almost one year already.

I found myself and ran away, but something pulled me back. Voice of reason I forgot I had

Love love love. I will have you one day. 

 

Leftover cookies.

Fetched my sister to tuition today. Mum left for Ipoh and just came back. Had a good drive around the nearby area in the morning. Dad just came back from his company trip too this morning. Slacked around the whole afternoon doing nothing.

Finally got round to watching eclipse. Lots of kissing sial.

Will be watching Dorian Gray tonight. LOVE !

 

 

 

 

I don’t really know why am I putting myself up for all of this. Is it to show that I’m a good person, that I’m all that there is? Then, everything will just be but an act put up to impress people. Sometimes, I wonder if I really did put up an act for all to see. If so, what I am doing is all worthless. I’m not an honest person after all. Everything is for the show.

Then I wonder, who am I really? If all I’ve done is just an act. If all I’ve done is just what I am on the outside. I don’t know.

All these years, I think about the things that I’ve done. I question myself of all the rumours that circulated around me. Were they true after all ? Was I so mean to the extent that people are talking about me? That people would hate me so much?

I can’t help evaluating myself. Who am I? What have I done? What did I do that was right? I can’t help doubting myself, and I can’t help doubting my friends. I can’t help doubting the world. Wondering if the world was doubting me too?

For so long, I thought what I did was good. My intentions were pure. I did not mean to hurt anybody or make anyone upset. I have never thought of bringing anybody down. Except her of course. But that was only one time. And in the end, I did nothing to hurt her. It was all empty words to appease my anger.

Am I good after all? Will I go to heaven after I die?

I put up with all of them. I’d lie for her. I’m willing to put myself through so much trouble just to make everybody happy. But was it enough? Was it really really enough for all?

I don’t know what I really want anymore. I don’t know if I can still cope with satisfying everybody's needs. I don’t know if my whole existence was created to slave myself to everybody’s needs. And I don’t know if in the end, I’d mattered to these people after all.

I don’t know.

I guess I will never find out.

As for the rest of my existence, I could only live it to find out.

I’m falling down deep

These are the few pictures before the downfall.  

But I think I’ll just look at it in a positive way. I’ll just become a better planner next time. And the next time, I’ll be screwing everyone and not the other way around.

The first day was fun. No last minute things or worries or whatsoever. We all just went with the flow. Reach apartment, walk around town, have dinner, drink and go mad, laugh like nobody’s business.

When looking at it properly, the first day wasn’t that perfect either.

 

I honestly hope these people had fun, because their happiness was my priority for this trip. And I’m not trying to be hero here, or sound like a soppy puss. Through all and all, the main thing was fun.

I’m not sure is it an after effect or trauma, but this depression is getting to me. I feel like there’s this heavy burden I cannot lift.

No I won’t lie. These few days were tough on me. And I have cracked too many times under the pressure. Taking on this task was a tough one for me, a handling so many teenagers at once may cause a little problems here and there.

Everything was done so last minute. And if it wasn’t for Ericca,nothing would have been done either. She’s helped alot and I am grateful for that.

To all those who went, I’m sorry if things didn’t come out the way you planned it to be. But I did try my best.   

 

Will elaborate tomorrow. Am too tired to stay awake.

what would it take, for things to be quiet

I swore to myself, to never live in doubt again.

But there are some things that have happened, that cannot be easily erased. I tire myself, thinking of the same old words I want to tell you. Thinking of the things that I would’ve done if you were there. I know that I may never go back, and I may never see you again. There are just so many things I wan to tell you, so many new findings and words and rhymes I want to share with you.

I guess its just all to late now.

Have you ever thought what could’ve been?

Do you like to see me broken?

Monin cup competition was this morning. Too nervous to take any pictures. But I think some people may have taken mine. 

Anyway, spent the whole week stressing about finals and the last minute trip to Cameron. I have not gotten anything settle yet and I am so scared everything wouldn’t turn out right. I really am scared. I have not planned something so big before on my own. Sure I have people helping me to run errands but the other little details, I have to settle alone.

Its a challenge for me and though I spent nights worrying over it, I think I like the excitement. I am certainly not crazy. but I love every single moment I spent to plan an event especially for good friends.

But I wish this goes through. Everything is so last minute and its good enough that i can hold on for this long. So many hardships were thrown in my way and the trip is just so soon. I honestly hope I can really pull this off.

And I also wanna thank all those who’ve helped me. they were insanely awesome people.

And I wanna thank Karen Yuen the most. For it was she who stood by me throughout the whole competition today. From the beginning to the end, she was there to cheer for me and help me stand up again. I have tried to back out so many times but she was there all the time, coaxing me,and helping. I’m touched woman. Thank you.

To Mr. Patrick too, who have faith in me. Who helped me when I was lost. Thank you for everything. I know I was not the strongest person there, and there was just too many times I’ve shown my weakness but I’ve learned. I’ll be up again for it next year. Better, stronger, and more confident in myself. 

 

I LOVE YOU GUYS !