i don't know sometimes if i am suppose to feel really happy to have a family like this.

or maybe to feel ever so cursed to be in a family like this.

i don't know.

i feel like all my life i've been taking the blame for her.

anything that goes wrong will always be put aside for her.

i took her anger. i took the blame.

and i was silent about it.

sometimes to me it didn't matter so much, cuz i was used to it.

sometimes it would be unbearable because i was wrongly accused.

its not that i do not admit my faults, i just wonder are these faults mine to be blamed?

i try so hard to shut up, to learn how to put my anger away.

to hide the accusations placed on me.

why do i even border sometimes.

was it out of laziness?

i don't think so.

i just don't want her to get angry for nothing because in the end,

i know she will blame me.

no, i'm not being dramatic.

i just feel under appreciated sometimes.

and it would be nice to know that she put in some effort to take the burden away.

she is always praising her and i would only smile in agreement.

but has she ever the the same thing the other way around?

why wouldn't she understand.

of course she wouldn't.

she the youngest and i'm suppose to know everything.

yes i'm mad and i'm angry.

but i guess there's nothing to do.

i'm the one sucking all her money for college and trips to places.

i am the one wasting all her money on clothes and outings.

and she never does anything.

i try my hardest sometimes.

i really do.

i just hope that you try to see through it.

i want you to understand what i've been doing.

and that is all.

i know i'm not the brightest and the best.

but i try.

this is the first time i've cried in weeks.

whats that all about.

maybe i'm just not so tough.

i'm just another child