just look into my eyes and I'll own you with the moves like jagger

yesh thats me during competition. 

sneak peak ! more pictures up soon !

i hope. 

i hate working

My off day is finally here.
I hope work starts to get more bearable.
Am constantly dozing off to sleep in the lobby at my desk.
*i hope no one notices the fact that i'm nodding off*

another thing to learn yesterday, never to stand near the counter when there's alot of people.




i hate it everytime she calls my name. 
everytime that she screams out loud like i'm deaf. 
and the way she complains that i have an attitude problem
what is it you fucking want from me.
i miss penang all the more.
the time i spent alone, enjoying every single minute was bliss. 
this to me is like pure hell. 
i stress at work. and when i come home, there's more to stress about. 
just that few more months.
just for that few more semesters and i'm gone. 
and i swear i won't miss home. 

The few shots of my finalised drink during MONIN finals.

Too bad I wasn't good enough.

Was depressing though, to know you've put in so much effort.

I just guess the exposure is not there.

There was no technique. 

So many things happened lately. 

I'm so worned out these few days I'm even more depressed.

Sometimes it gets so bad that I wished I was dead.

But it gets better, at least I hope it will

Now that Monin is over, I'm just counting down my days till this internship ends. 

There's just so much to think about now.

so judge me already

I have so much going on my mind right now.
And I swear before I blow up, I am going to let it all out.

I am always the one, trying to help, trying to make them better.
Trying to take control of situations.
But how can I do so without the listening to me.

To them, I'm the second.
The rebound.
The OTHER option.
The safe way out.

But what they fu*king forget, is that they are no different from me.

What makes them so much more perfect than me?
good looks? good body? good people skills?
I don't know.
And what makes me the rebound?

I am so annoyed now, and so insulted beyond compare, to think that I am nothing to you.
You would stay with the ones who could have all the fun with you.
But you leave the one who has helped you.
It's like you were taking me for granted.

what are friends, if not just the word to describe a business relationship between two people.
She was right and will always be.
No one could ever be true to you.
No one.
No matter how much they tell you that you can rely on them. You can't.

Words can be said so easily. But do you think that trust can be earned through those few words?
You say it as if it's so easy to speak to you.
But it's not.
I'm not looking for people to judge me.
I'm just looking for someone to listen.
And to tell me above all, that they care too.

Fu*k my life. It was like I was destined to be alone.
Lived like a hermit all my life, and when I finally reach out, I have to recoil again.
And it feels like each time I bear my heart out, someone stabs it because it's fun.

If I were so petty to you, then fine.
If I were so invaluable to you, then you are nothing to me.
I won't crawl the floor for you, because who are you to think otherwise.

Because this has been going on and on and on my whole life. 
How could you think that I was sensitive, just because you were suddenly cold towards me. 
I am human. And I am your friend. 
And you can't just treat me like that. 


I don't know what your fucking reason is behind all this.
But it hurts me, and more than that, it makes me doubt where we stand now. 


I just can't understand.
It's like I was born to go through this every stage of my life. 
Who would really be there for me, when they say they would. 
Who would really understand me, when they said that it's all okay. 


So much lies. 


To think that you treat me like some piece of dirt. 
Like I'm a dog you threw out on the street, begging for you to take me back again. 
Who are you to think that way. 
If I was so petty to you, then so be it. 


I don't need you and your fucking little attitudes. 
I don't need you and all your fucking little secrets. 
I don't need you and all that we have been. 


No. I am human. And I have a value too. 
Too long have I been pushed.
Too long have I bear all your stupid acts of selfishness. 


I am not like her. 
So why treat me like her. 
Have I mistreated you in any way that you would have to return the favour?


It sucks feeling like this. 
Oh wait, you wouldn't know how that feels. 
I've always cleared the path for you, and encouraged you. 
But the times we've spent forging our friendship just comes apart all of  sudden. 


Maybe she was right, and she will be all along. 
Humans are unstable things. 
It's like everyone is a ticking bomb, which you wouldn't know when it will blow.
I am tired trying to feel so sorry for myself. 
Trying to cope with the fact that I was alone. That no one out there was worthy enough to listen. 


Have you tried putting me first? 
if you have, then speak up. if you don't, then better shut the hell up. 

Practice practice and more practice.

MONIN 2011. 

was one of the most epic days of my life. 

Competed at Berjaya in the mocktail competition

Also known as bartending competition. 

Leftover pictures from that day.
I only hope finals will be so much better. 

All my ever crazy bunch of supportive friends. 

So stressed out lately with internship and competition going on.

there just isn't enough time to practice or do anything else. 

I am so tired to the point that I am almost nodding off when I'm working. 

work is just well... 

I hope it gets better each day. 

Sitting in the lobby doing reports and assigning rooms is difficult

WHY?

Because I'm in Westin, and every small mistake I make will change the whole system.

It's like a domino effect. 

I'm still trying to get used to everything. 

but until then, I hope everything will turn out fine. 

Am so glad to be home after so long. 

Miss being alone in solitude and having my own private moment to think. 

Competition has been putting on alot of stress on us.

And I hope we can make this through.  

I am soo sleep deprived lately, my face is turning haggard looking.
And there's this BIG pimple on my nose. ARGH !!!   FML.
Yes, I do care about my face.
Am going to take lots of rest today and start work tomorrow.
At least Wawa will be there.   :)
She makes work seem more pleasant.  
and and and. the 'mother' is not there.  (guest experience manager)

Guest experience

Leftover from Malacca.    :)

Yesterday was my first day at Guest Experience department.
It was so stressful. So many things to remember at one time.
And apparently due to the high occupancy in the hotel, I've got five days to learn and absorb everything.
Please pray hard for me cause it's going to be a very difficult three months.
Then there's monin to worry about too.
Submission is this Sunday night. And I haven't settle on anything yet.

I am doomed. Pray that everything will work out well.

Orientation at The Westin KL

an update after 3 days of orientation at the Westin KL.

Orientation was one word. boring.
Yes, I can summarise 3 days of activity into one word.
BORING.

We did nothing but listen to the managers of each and every department that exists in the hotel talk about what they do. And some honestly do not have the presentation skill or they just fail to connect to teenagers.
For three days I've been dozing off in the training room.
Trying to keep my eyes open was very very VERY difficult.

Had a small treasure hunt game yesterday which was weird and UN-exciting.
In the end my team lost. WTF.
Today was more of a moving around activity.
But the talking part was boring again.
No energy to sustain throughout the day.

Went to Pavi and bought another pair of ugly black shoes.
At least still much better than the kitten heels I have. Those hurt like crap.

Submission date is pushing me up the wall.
I'm scared and tired and so stressed out.
Not to mention the family member who was neurotic and most of the time annoying.
The older one.

I miss the solitude in penang, and the carefree life besides worrying about what to have for dinner and lunch.
I'm scared and nervous all the time here.
And I really hope this too, shall pass soon.

Till then.   

I'm afraid. I'm so so afraid.

I'm afraid that I'm not good enough.

That in the end, you saw that I wasn't worth it.

That I was not worthy of your time.

I'm afraid too, for myself.

To leave my heart shattered again. 

And then trying to piece it back.

I'm afraid that one day, we just might not make it through. 

Whether the fault is mine or yours. 

And that even our friendship could not last.

Followed by the distancing between us. 

I'm afraid. 

That it was not time yet.

The time still waits for us, to know the right moment.

But I'm afraid that if I let this go.

I will never get it back. 

No more living in regrets. 

Is this the step I should take?

Should I fight for it, if I know you're worth fighting for. 

That you really cared, from the bottom of your heart.

That you would do almost anything for me. 

Anything at all. 

Tell me what do I do now. 

a typical Sunday

Went down to KL four times today. 

As in literally 4 times. 

As in home to KL then home to KL then home to KL etc..

Am so tired and exhausted to the point I don't feel like eating.

And my stomach is crying out really loud.

Went home at 4 in the morning yesterday.

Yes, it was crazyy. 

Dropped by downtown in the wee hours of the morning with a friend.

somtimes, things just don't turn out the way you plan it would.
you won't know what is going on until it shows in the end.
like a secret, it floats around you.
swirling and turning above your head, mocking you.

I won't know how this would end.
And I don't write this story.
I am sick of being disappointed to be unable to reach the ending I want.
I may hold the pen to my own life, but the consequences of the actions I create, I can't control.
So for once, I leave the pen in fate's hand.
And I let it point to me where I should go.

Decisions decisions decisions. 

So many paths to choose. But which way is the right one. 

There is no way of knowing what lies at the end. 

So do I walk, or do I give up my journey and turn around. 

Because once I turn around, I know I can never look back. 

I need a little magic to guide me. 

And so far through this journey, you've guided me. 

You made me realise that I am worth it. That I can be all that I can be. 

I just wonder how far will that faith last. 

But for once, I am willing to wait. 

And see how this ending turns out to be.