when the door closes, it shuts in your face, and you're left to stare at the missing chance you did not take

Nobody is going to tell me what I want.

Nobody is going to tell me what I'm feeling.

I'm lost and confused. And it feels like as if I'm walking around and around in never ending circles.

Am I over the past, left the drawer locked and abandoned?

But why has the dust not settled upon it yet?

Why does it look like the drawer has been reopened again and again?

I don't know.

I won't deny that I still think of you. I still think of the days we've left in high school.

Every haunting memory that keeps running back, as if I've been watching reruns or soap operas.

The words I still keep inside a book, and every black alphabet still holds a picture of a different meaning. But each words made me tear myself up all over again.

As I wonder why was I so destructive of myself?

It is as though each mirror would break when I look into them.

And each piece of my self respect would shatter before me.

The mocking laughters of those better than me in so many ways.

They still haunt me.

Like ghost, vengeful for their deaths, slowly waiting for me.

I'm scared. I really am.

Who knows how I would live my life then.

So determined to be alone. Would I decide my own fate now?

Will I still fall again?

I keep telling myself that I am okay.

But am I really okay?

I’m very much alive

I think I totally undoubtedly screwed up my POMD exams. I have to start major studying already. And you know I hate that.

Can you believe the year is ending so quickly? I’ve got so many things on my hands I can’t handle. There’s all the assignments and projects going on. And the events and the internship. I can honestly stab myself there and then.

 

Nothing much to blog about during this week except for the exam stress. So much for the sake of blogging. I’ll stop here.

cause baby you’re like a firework

Some leftover pictures from last week. Had lunch with the "’family’’ at Tangerine. Apparently Claire was cooking for the day and so I wanted to try her food very much.  

Had a crazy lot of fun and laughter first about the food, and the service too.

Celebrated Micheele’s and Brendon’s birthday at one go. We had to go back to Wong Kok. Its free milk tea !

Had lunch at Tangerine again, this time with Claire as the server. Ate Banana Leaf with the ‘’family’’ and the extended family too.

Our table got separated cause there was just too many of us in one pax. But we had our fun.

Exams are up tomorrow and I just haven’t got round to really studying yet. Imma so lazy !!

Went to Hartamas this morning to pick up my phone but the phone wasn’t there yet. Apparently, its still sitting at the service centre waiting for mummy to pick her up ! I’m coming baby !

Was on a crazy ride with Ben, Zhen Han and Yi Ling, trying to locate our way to hartamas. Almost got lost in TTDI ! But we found our way.

Didn’t get to see my old friends though, but I saw Joshep strolling about in Taylor’s lakeside campus library.  haha.

Till then, I need a bath and get down to study.

It hurts so bad just like I know that it would, but I'd do it again

Went back to Penang for a few days to check out the hotels where we are going for our internship. We as in Yi Ling, Zhen Hand and me.

Spent two nights at my ahyee’s house and she brought us for dinner on the first day and took us to Batu Ferringhi.

Met up with Lauren and her mom and we all went shopping for stuff. (:

Anyway, had loads of fun and the hotels were really amazing. Too bad we didn’t bother to take many pictures of the hotel. Ate like pigs and enjoyed the scenery by the beach.

Just posted a few pictures cause I didn’t manage to be in many of them.

screw you

I’m tired of being so irate all the time. I tired of having no place to vent my rage, and all that I could do was run to a corner and cry. With no one to comfort. With no one to tell me its okay. Without a soul to tell me to chill.

fuck my life.

I hate her. I hate having to live with her. All those moments that I regret condemning her to hell, I take them all back. You can call me an evil bitch, or that I should go to hell. But I’d bring her along because I would never want her to unleash her wrath upon anyone else. Never. I would never ever want to wish anyone in my position now.

calm.calm.calm.calm.calm. its okay.

Its like a mantra to me now. I can’t concentrate on anything else without having to absorb her anger, absorb HER anger, and absorb his anger. All I do was absorb absorb absorb. Suck in everything.

fuck.

I’d wish everything was different. I hate her. She started all this. I blame her and no one else. I won’t even vouch for her this time. There are some things that come with a limit and she has pushed way beyond that.

I hate my life. I hate the way I am. I don’t know whether I’m writing this to vent my anger or I’m just saying the things that I’ve been holding in for too long. I am so fucking tired of being pushed around like some kindergartener. Pushing and pushing and pushing.

fuck karma. I can’t wait for things to come around anymore. I’ll just have to speed things up.

JUST YOU WAIT. YOUR FUCKING DOOM IS COMING.

I pity you because I know you don’t have to go through al these. I’m so so sorry.

I won’t think about it anymore. I’m going to bed.

another blizzard is here

If you keep on standing on to the fact that you are right, why do you even bother apologising in the first place? How do you even justify yourself. If you think that you have done the right thing, and you don’t regret what you’ve done. Then don’t even bother apologizing to me. Cause I know you don’t mean it in the first place.

It’s not that I take this a little too seriously. I can’t understand what you are trying to tell me. You either regret your actions, or you don’t. There’s only two.

What do I expect. What do I want? Do I see myself or the things that I do at all? fuck. Life is so screwed up. My life is so screwed up. Who is there to tell me if I am right or wrong. Who is there to tell me if I am doing to the right thing or not. Who am I?

What you said today hurt. You think you are so fucking perfect. You think you can just accept all the criticisms being thrown at you. But you can’t I just don’t have the heart to tell you. Because it does not matter so much to me. I do not judge people anymore.

but that doesn’t mean you can judge me too. I am who I am. I decide what my expectations are and I decide who I will become. I decide whether I want my life to remain tangled in a mess, or untangled. You can’t tell me anything or bend me to a road I don’t want to go.

This is my life I am living. So fuck off.

I am tired.