another few words

i know i'm a little too late in saying this, but now is better than never. if i push this any further, i won't feel the need to write it down anymore. however, i do feel that i owe you this. just these few words.

thank you.
thank you for loving me. for taking care of me. for holding me.

it's two years too late to tell you this. the past does not seem to matter so much anymore as you are in a much happier place. she's beautiful and she's kind, and you deserve all that you have given. somehow, i'm glad you gave up on me. i'm glad that you've decided to move on so quickly

i'm sorry i gave up on you too quickly. i was just not ready to commit. the idea scared me, the thought of it frightened me so much i ran away. courage was not my best character when it comes to being all that you want me to be. i just can't. what you needed was more than i could give. it was much more than i could ever bear upon myself.

you've moved on. and i did too. and i hope the future shines brighter for you, as it will for me. 

i surface

he often talk about things. not things in general like what he has accomplished today, or what he is feeling.

he talks about things that matter. things like pride. things like prejudice. things like falling in love.
every so often, a post comes up mentioning how shallow people could be. how they would abuse their faces to threaten the weak, and how unjustified their actions are. there are posts on how life was a learning lesson, how being in love only on the other side was hard, and how people often disregard themselves of their worth.

what he doesn't know is that i surfaced.

i was swallowed by his glory, and ambitions, and words. i was pulled beneath the dreams he had often talked off. i lingered in his shadow where the light was cast upon him. and i was at awe.

if dreams were so big, where are you now?
if love is so great, how are you lost?
if pride was all that mattered, how have you lived?

the tide pulled me in, and spat me out. i had enough of his petty words and his deep thoughts.
i resurfaced. and i see what was true.

have you truly stayed in the dark? have you loved her but did not receive her love of equals in return?
have you felt the tide rolling in, dragging you by the toes into the dark?
have you?

the truth of how your thoughts maneuver itself still puzzles me. i have yet to understand the things that you do, and the words that you spoke of. your love for her and your pride may still remain a mystery to me. perhaps i was mistaken. perhaps the actions that you lead had a bigger reason, something that i would never come to comprehend. perhaps i was and am still foolish to think that i have understood, and made sense to what you are. that remains unsolved.

but you should know, being hurt is really painful. being judged for what a man's eyes would see when he looks into the sea can only be dark waters. i swim beneath the waves, hoping that you would jump in to open your eyes and glance at me for staring at the ocean would not reveal what is beneath. i waited for you to come. i waited for you to call me. i waited for you with the wind howling in my ears, and the thundering waves crashing upon the shore. but you did not come.

i remain who i was. and i have not changed. beauty still becomes the epitome of what is important. but beauty was not bestowed on me. and i still am the ever ordinary girl who dreams. 

now

So it's been awhile. I'm amazed at how much I have written over the past few teenage high school years, where everyday is an endless drama circling around me. And when I've finally gotten rid of that phase, I stopped. Or maybe started blogging less and less. It's been so long since I've touched a good book, or have properly immersed myself in reading. College and uni life have been so filled to the brim with activities of all sorts. Socializing, working, studying, the cycle that never ends.

So of course I'm in england for my final year now and studies have gotten tougher. Well duhhh.. I'm meeting deadlines almost every week. ALMOST. And procrastinating to the very last moment have become a great hobby of mine. So is sleeping in and getting addicted to all sorts of drama. Yes, even korean drama. Studying here has gotten somewhat bearable with having my housemates around me all the time, and meeting new people.

I'm not sure how do I continue with this blog post. Do forgive me for abruptly ending it here.

I wish to continue drowning myself in unreal romantic teenage dramas.  :)

the wrong path

today, I feel like writing again. 

I just feel like recent events were all bad choices. 

My stuff got stolen, then my friend found a home that was cheaper and better, 

and I just realized I lost a sum of money. 

Luck has not been on my side lately, and life is just not working out for me. 

I went to Brighton the other day and I saw the my uni's art department. 

And today, I saw a girl who just got accepted to Tisch School of Arts at NYU.

What am I doing here?

Why am I pushing myself into doing I so half-heartedly want to do?

 

Sometimes I wonder, am I walking in the right direction?

Is this the path I would choose for myself?

Is this truly, truly what I want?

I don't know. 

Everyone has dreams. 

And everyone would want to achieve their dreams.

I have dreams of losing myself in colours, and paint.

I have dreams of petals, ruffles, and neverending swirls in a thousand hues.

I have dreams of painting translucent wings, butterflies, pink clouds and gushing waterfalls.

I have dreams of studying art, but I did not want it bad enough.

I guess having dreams doesn't mean that if I strayed from my path, my dreams aren't fulfilled.

Who knows, in the future, that my dreams would suddenly crash onto me.

And what I do now would interlock with what I want to do.

We don't only have one dream.

Dreams do come in plural for a reason.

We can't have everything we want.

But we could work for those that we really need in our lives.

I guess we'll see how my life would turn out to be.

I've made a decision.

And I want to live through it.

This is my dream.

At least, for now.

:)

stop. listen.

Here I am.

After so long.

I just felt like writing this down. Not because I want to relive this memory over and over again.
I guess I just want to think about you again. As I write, I feel like I'm reliving my past all over again.
They say that if you keep thinking about the past, you're only moving backwards.
But to me, thinking about my past, helps me move forwards, in quick strides.

I still think of you after so long. Sometimes I still wonder what is so magical of you, that made me so intoxicated. It felt as if I've been in darkness for so long, and then you came along.
You weren't the light that saved me, my own sorrow did.
But you were the poison, the drug that gave me vivid hallucinations of sunlight.

Time draws on and on. And every new life that I've started, a part of my past is being dug up to share.
I've kept you a secret for so long. You were a part of my past that felt to good to be shared.
Because, I'm afraid that if I've shared that past, I would never move on.

Other times I wondered to myself, even if I did share things about you.
What was there to talk about? There was no drama, no returned affections, no scene to replay.
Only simple words from you that now barely seems like whispered echoes, disappearing each day.
And I could only hear fragments of that sound, so distorted by time.

It is not so much of memories of you that I wanted to relive, but the way you made me feel.
The same particular level that we stand on,
like a thousand stairs for a thousand people, but we shared one step.
I still think of your words, your writing which inspired me.
All of which were part of the drug that held me down for so long.

Everytime I think of someone else, I'd still think of you.

Wonder how long will that go on before I admit that you were just another new single word in my book.

lovin yourself

I know blogging has long been abandoned.
Writing on the internet has just lost it's touch I guess.
Life's either been too busy and happy or too depressing to be repeatedly written out everyday.

But today, this is something that I need to get off my chest.

So story of my life was that I attended a dinner get together with some friends.
Trying to remain somewhat ambiguous.

My friends made fun of my recent addiction to "junkfood" instead of proper dinner.
And they chastised at my lack of taste in men idols, whatever you wanna call it.
This girl very carelessly mentioned that because of my mutual liking of this idol, I had made myself a failure when it comes to having a relationship.
I'm not proud to say that I have never been in a proper relationship before, neither am I shy about the fact.
But the only problem about this that made me think twice was when she said I was, I guess in better terms of describing it, picky.
Does she think that being in a relationship is about discussing the different aspects of your partner ?!?!
I was absolutely outraged.
Does she mean that her relationship was based on what her boyfriend has to offer her instead ?!?!?
How unbelievably shallow her thoughts were.
I, for one who has never been in a relationship knows what falling in love means.
And she, has had many previous experience, and yet she does not know the meaning of a relationship.

Maybe she was careless with her words.
Maybe in the heat of the discussion on man idols, she did not meant what she said.
But her words lingered and it made me hate myself.

Then, it does not end there.
Sure I was going gaga with having snacks now and then.
But does that make me a culprit?
I do go to the gym and exercise every now and then, but I don't think they have a right to make fun of me.

It was stupid and harsh, but it went on and on even when I said to stop.
Harassing me is not something I can tolerate.
I will tend to lash out which then leads to unnecessary outbreak and then followed by immense guilt.

What they said made me feel terrible about myself.
How can they be so hypocritical. Sure I eat snacks, but don't they?
Does it mean that they don't eat snacks at all. No.
How can they so bravely defend their own honour but they make fun of another because they don't want to be a target themselves.
It is disgusting and rude.

But I did not felt that way.

when I came back. all I felt like was purging.

I would never resort to purging, I do not think of myself so shallow and undignified.
Eventhough I do not have society's desirable body shape, I do not resort to eating pills or purging.
Sure I was called fat for three months at my old workplace, and I stood tall all through it.
But this was too much.

I cried myself to sleep.
And the very next morning. I tried to purge myself.
I cried so much and I hated myself more than I could ever hate anyone in a lifetime.
So, I stopped.

I am strong, and I am perfect in my own way.
And there is absolutely no need for me to purge or starve.

I study about the finer things in life. I study about food and the senses.
So how can I be restricting myself in life's great offers just because I wanna prove her wrong.
I don't live for anybody, and neither should anyone.