lovin yourself

I know blogging has long been abandoned.
Writing on the internet has just lost it's touch I guess.
Life's either been too busy and happy or too depressing to be repeatedly written out everyday.

But today, this is something that I need to get off my chest.

So story of my life was that I attended a dinner get together with some friends.
Trying to remain somewhat ambiguous.

My friends made fun of my recent addiction to "junkfood" instead of proper dinner.
And they chastised at my lack of taste in men idols, whatever you wanna call it.
This girl very carelessly mentioned that because of my mutual liking of this idol, I had made myself a failure when it comes to having a relationship.
I'm not proud to say that I have never been in a proper relationship before, neither am I shy about the fact.
But the only problem about this that made me think twice was when she said I was, I guess in better terms of describing it, picky.
Does she think that being in a relationship is about discussing the different aspects of your partner ?!?!
I was absolutely outraged.
Does she mean that her relationship was based on what her boyfriend has to offer her instead ?!?!?
How unbelievably shallow her thoughts were.
I, for one who has never been in a relationship knows what falling in love means.
And she, has had many previous experience, and yet she does not know the meaning of a relationship.

Maybe she was careless with her words.
Maybe in the heat of the discussion on man idols, she did not meant what she said.
But her words lingered and it made me hate myself.

Then, it does not end there.
Sure I was going gaga with having snacks now and then.
But does that make me a culprit?
I do go to the gym and exercise every now and then, but I don't think they have a right to make fun of me.

It was stupid and harsh, but it went on and on even when I said to stop.
Harassing me is not something I can tolerate.
I will tend to lash out which then leads to unnecessary outbreak and then followed by immense guilt.

What they said made me feel terrible about myself.
How can they be so hypocritical. Sure I eat snacks, but don't they?
Does it mean that they don't eat snacks at all. No.
How can they so bravely defend their own honour but they make fun of another because they don't want to be a target themselves.
It is disgusting and rude.

But I did not felt that way.

when I came back. all I felt like was purging.

I would never resort to purging, I do not think of myself so shallow and undignified.
Eventhough I do not have society's desirable body shape, I do not resort to eating pills or purging.
Sure I was called fat for three months at my old workplace, and I stood tall all through it.
But this was too much.

I cried myself to sleep.
And the very next morning. I tried to purge myself.
I cried so much and I hated myself more than I could ever hate anyone in a lifetime.
So, I stopped.

I am strong, and I am perfect in my own way.
And there is absolutely no need for me to purge or starve.

I study about the finer things in life. I study about food and the senses.
So how can I be restricting myself in life's great offers just because I wanna prove her wrong.
I don't live for anybody, and neither should anyone.