another few words

i know i'm a little too late in saying this, but now is better than never. if i push this any further, i won't feel the need to write it down anymore. however, i do feel that i owe you this. just these few words.

thank you.
thank you for loving me. for taking care of me. for holding me.

it's two years too late to tell you this. the past does not seem to matter so much anymore as you are in a much happier place. she's beautiful and she's kind, and you deserve all that you have given. somehow, i'm glad you gave up on me. i'm glad that you've decided to move on so quickly

i'm sorry i gave up on you too quickly. i was just not ready to commit. the idea scared me, the thought of it frightened me so much i ran away. courage was not my best character when it comes to being all that you want me to be. i just can't. what you needed was more than i could give. it was much more than i could ever bear upon myself.

you've moved on. and i did too. and i hope the future shines brighter for you, as it will for me. 

i surface

he often talk about things. not things in general like what he has accomplished today, or what he is feeling.

he talks about things that matter. things like pride. things like prejudice. things like falling in love.
every so often, a post comes up mentioning how shallow people could be. how they would abuse their faces to threaten the weak, and how unjustified their actions are. there are posts on how life was a learning lesson, how being in love only on the other side was hard, and how people often disregard themselves of their worth.

what he doesn't know is that i surfaced.

i was swallowed by his glory, and ambitions, and words. i was pulled beneath the dreams he had often talked off. i lingered in his shadow where the light was cast upon him. and i was at awe.

if dreams were so big, where are you now?
if love is so great, how are you lost?
if pride was all that mattered, how have you lived?

the tide pulled me in, and spat me out. i had enough of his petty words and his deep thoughts.
i resurfaced. and i see what was true.

have you truly stayed in the dark? have you loved her but did not receive her love of equals in return?
have you felt the tide rolling in, dragging you by the toes into the dark?
have you?

the truth of how your thoughts maneuver itself still puzzles me. i have yet to understand the things that you do, and the words that you spoke of. your love for her and your pride may still remain a mystery to me. perhaps i was mistaken. perhaps the actions that you lead had a bigger reason, something that i would never come to comprehend. perhaps i was and am still foolish to think that i have understood, and made sense to what you are. that remains unsolved.

but you should know, being hurt is really painful. being judged for what a man's eyes would see when he looks into the sea can only be dark waters. i swim beneath the waves, hoping that you would jump in to open your eyes and glance at me for staring at the ocean would not reveal what is beneath. i waited for you to come. i waited for you to call me. i waited for you with the wind howling in my ears, and the thundering waves crashing upon the shore. but you did not come.

i remain who i was. and i have not changed. beauty still becomes the epitome of what is important. but beauty was not bestowed on me. and i still am the ever ordinary girl who dreams. 

now

So it's been awhile. I'm amazed at how much I have written over the past few teenage high school years, where everyday is an endless drama circling around me. And when I've finally gotten rid of that phase, I stopped. Or maybe started blogging less and less. It's been so long since I've touched a good book, or have properly immersed myself in reading. College and uni life have been so filled to the brim with activities of all sorts. Socializing, working, studying, the cycle that never ends.

So of course I'm in england for my final year now and studies have gotten tougher. Well duhhh.. I'm meeting deadlines almost every week. ALMOST. And procrastinating to the very last moment have become a great hobby of mine. So is sleeping in and getting addicted to all sorts of drama. Yes, even korean drama. Studying here has gotten somewhat bearable with having my housemates around me all the time, and meeting new people.

I'm not sure how do I continue with this blog post. Do forgive me for abruptly ending it here.

I wish to continue drowning myself in unreal romantic teenage dramas.  :)