I want my mummy to hug me and tell me that everything is all right. Because I'm still crying and my heart aches so badly. And I know how disappointed she is in me, but I still want her to be beside me. I'm tearing myself up and the world feels like its falling apart, but she could not card less about how I feel right now.but I want her to know I did my best. and I wanna stop crying now.

I'm sad and disappointed in myself.
I could care less how much my mum or dad is angry with me,
because my hate towards myself tops it all off.
Do not ask me anymore. I don't really understand what to do at this point.

Is it what I deserve? That question still rages inside of me.
I think I deserve better. I really really do.
All the effort I've placed in towards this.

Its unfair. It really is.

I've never felt so more pathetic than I already am.
Is there not a purpose for my existence now?

I could never comprehend. never.

how many times would i have to cry today.
how many time would the tears still fall.
the pain is killing me, and do i still have to apologise?

there is this saw, gnawing through my heart. the pain is numbed.
and my chest felt like being pressed on.

but here's the thing.
I am crying every two hours, thinking why is this happening.
Angry because I don't have to apologise to anyone but myself.
Its a fuckin tough day. And I had enough.

to hell with the people who keeps asking me to move on
and to hell with those who tries to tell me its alright
because it fuckin isnt

wherever the winds might take my withered body to

last words
blow on my skin
softly
thy last breaths
take me away
like burning lights
shining, glowing
and burst forth from red embers
devouring souls
stealing breaths

this pain
unsaid
these words
silent
these thoughts
passed

through
gone
flown away




I will not say anymore

hello sunshine

To my friends and family, and relatives, and dog, and beloved purple laptop, and phone, and cozy room, and air-cond, and handbags, and shirts and....

I hope you'll miss me when I'm gone.

Love, gwen.

I know I sound like I'm going to go away or something.
But you never know what the future may hold and its good to be prepared.
*sighs* Honestly, I don't know what to expect.
I don't know whether I should take what I'm given or try to kill myself.
Scared or nervous could not be the right word to describe how I' feeling right now.

I'll just hope for the best. :)

I don't think smiling would be appropriate ehh...
laughing insanely would be the right thing to do.

I don't want tomorrow to ever EVER come

r-e-s-u-l-t-s

shall not speak of it
shall not listen to it
shall not read it

and that is all

whatever you want

WARNING:
I AM ABSOLUTELY ANTI DOCTORS RIGHT NOW.
SO THOSE WHO ARE AIMING TO BE DOCTORS
PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM ME.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.

Yes, I just came back from the doctors and I am burning with rage. LITERALLY !
Everyone knows how doctors are suppose to be kind, caring and super sweet right?
Well, mine wasn't.
And it was the first time in so long that I went to the doctor for a medical checkup.
*asslubang* Urgh !

So wait, here the story goes:
I was happily entering the clinic, afraid that I might have to take a blood test again.
For the record, the last time I took a blood test, I almost fainted.
Anywayyyy, I filled the forms and entered the room.
It was an indian doctor sitting there and he asked me a bunch of questions about my medical history.

There were some things that I wasn't sure so I looked to my mum for confirmation, then he said
: "Hey, look at me. I'm talking to you" (whaaaat the helll)
Then he started talking about why people look to their partners all the time when being asked a question.

Ohh, when we sat down. He asked me questions and my mum answered cause she was more aware of my medical history and he said: "Who are you ?"
and in that really rude way.

So she said that she is my mum and he started ignoring her again.
Then, when they were discussing about my epilepsy thing, I looked at the diagrams that decorated the walls of his room.

I was aware of what he was talking about the whole time.
Then...
He slammed the table (a few friggin times ) and said:
"hey, look at me. I'm writing your medical report and you're looking at other things.."

My mum was even worst. She looked at me like I just spat at the doctor or something.
WHAT THE HELL.

After that, he asked me about my family, how old were my parents and their medical history.
And he talked as of my mum was not there.

I felt like I was under an interrogation for treachery.

Then, he went to check my breathing with the stethoscope thingi.
When he placed it behind my back, he asked me to remove my hair.
Like I could do that. Then he threw my shirt hoodie to the front.
asslubangg

So whatever. I straightened up my shirt and hair.
And I was seriously pissing off, like I could blow up anytime.
AND FINALLY,
we could leave and he was saying stuff like "take care, thank you, bla bla bla"

And my mum said, "Did you say thank you doctor"

.....

I shut my mouth and wouldn't speak all the way home.

Sometimes, I don't know what is wrong with my mother.
She always stand with the person with higher authority.
AND she always agree to whatever they say. campur mulut.

I always feel like asking her to mind her own business when clearly the situation does not include her.

I am angry and unhappy and she doesn't sense that.

I think maybe she doesn't have any bludie sense at all.

She is my mother for G**'s sake. And she treats my like how a babysitter treats an ignorant child. Even my lecturers are more sensitive at college.

You can call me sensitive or rude or whatever.
I went in there with good intentions, but you made me turn into an ass.

I know I am wrong, that no matter the situation is I should always be in good grace.
BUT NOT when your morning becomes ruined by a bludieyyyy doctor.

THAT IS ALL.

Ambiguity will only lead us to nowhere

Me pink, Shereen pink, Meng Pei?
Pink pants. :)

See my pretty badge.

The way both of them sit makes me wanna laugh.

Be loved
How fine doth weather comes
In wintry jackets
Cold and white
Thy hands shivering
Art thou still warmed
To flushing cheeks
Little flames beneath



thou is held
close to his heart
thy hand in his
words do not declare
and time that slides
below thee
unknowing
his half
becomes of thee
to own forever