save me

I am angry. I am very very angry. In fact, I am in such a rage I feel like blowing up the house.

But I won't. Why?

Cause I am stupid and I know I will regret it very much later.

But there is no harm in bitching about her, because bitch about her I will.

I am tired of lying for her. I am tired of trying to cover up everything for her.

I am fucking tired. But nobody cares.

Its so hard to become the good character. Why can't I just be the villain.

It wouldn't make much of a difference except that I have a heart and she doesn't.

You would be the reason I left home.

And I anticipate the coming year where I won't be home for three months.

I am anticipating it. I'd rather stay alone, far away from any contacts for a while than face her bloody needs all the time. I swear she lives to enslave me. Its like her only reason to live.

TO ENSLAVE ME !!!

I don't know why am I so angry about this.

I am tired. To the brink that I bring the people around me down.

I swore to myself that everything will be okay.

And even then, I would try to stay happy.

But for those moments, I just can't.

How could one person take in all of these nonsense.

My life is nothing but a game, the part where I'm losing.

And it feels like I would only have a one in a million chance of staying alive.

Its that all.

That my life is at stake, and I am trying to survive on my own.

There's nobody here anymore.

I am all alone.

And yet, I take on the world.

I take on the things that I know would be impossible.

But I challenge myself at every angle.

I swerve and turn, and I run over the words and lies I had to keep.

Because, after holding on for so long.

I know it will end.

Somehow.

Brace myself for the goodbyes

Hello.

Its been a long week. Am trying to adapt to the new timetable. Have not been very successful so far. I feel old and haggard and very very tired. Thing is, I’m not doing very exhausting work lately, so why am I feeling this way?

Went Taipan yesterday with a few people for dinner and fun stuff. Walked around the whole place and ended the day with crazy laughters. It was great fun.

Anywayy, am now looking for accommodation in Penang. Am deciding to apply for my internship at Penang. Its my chance to live independently. (:  I am fairly excited although I am going there alone.

Reminiscing some old photos.

I miss these people very much. I can’t believe its almost one year already.

I found myself and ran away, but something pulled me back. Voice of reason I forgot I had

Love love love. I will have you one day. 

 

Leftover cookies.

Fetched my sister to tuition today. Mum left for Ipoh and just came back. Had a good drive around the nearby area in the morning. Dad just came back from his company trip too this morning. Slacked around the whole afternoon doing nothing.

Finally got round to watching eclipse. Lots of kissing sial.

Will be watching Dorian Gray tonight. LOVE !

 

 

 

 

I don’t really know why am I putting myself up for all of this. Is it to show that I’m a good person, that I’m all that there is? Then, everything will just be but an act put up to impress people. Sometimes, I wonder if I really did put up an act for all to see. If so, what I am doing is all worthless. I’m not an honest person after all. Everything is for the show.

Then I wonder, who am I really? If all I’ve done is just an act. If all I’ve done is just what I am on the outside. I don’t know.

All these years, I think about the things that I’ve done. I question myself of all the rumours that circulated around me. Were they true after all ? Was I so mean to the extent that people are talking about me? That people would hate me so much?

I can’t help evaluating myself. Who am I? What have I done? What did I do that was right? I can’t help doubting myself, and I can’t help doubting my friends. I can’t help doubting the world. Wondering if the world was doubting me too?

For so long, I thought what I did was good. My intentions were pure. I did not mean to hurt anybody or make anyone upset. I have never thought of bringing anybody down. Except her of course. But that was only one time. And in the end, I did nothing to hurt her. It was all empty words to appease my anger.

Am I good after all? Will I go to heaven after I die?

I put up with all of them. I’d lie for her. I’m willing to put myself through so much trouble just to make everybody happy. But was it enough? Was it really really enough for all?

I don’t know what I really want anymore. I don’t know if I can still cope with satisfying everybody's needs. I don’t know if my whole existence was created to slave myself to everybody’s needs. And I don’t know if in the end, I’d mattered to these people after all.

I don’t know.

I guess I will never find out.

As for the rest of my existence, I could only live it to find out.

I’m falling down deep

These are the few pictures before the downfall.  

But I think I’ll just look at it in a positive way. I’ll just become a better planner next time. And the next time, I’ll be screwing everyone and not the other way around.

The first day was fun. No last minute things or worries or whatsoever. We all just went with the flow. Reach apartment, walk around town, have dinner, drink and go mad, laugh like nobody’s business.

When looking at it properly, the first day wasn’t that perfect either.

 

I honestly hope these people had fun, because their happiness was my priority for this trip. And I’m not trying to be hero here, or sound like a soppy puss. Through all and all, the main thing was fun.

I’m not sure is it an after effect or trauma, but this depression is getting to me. I feel like there’s this heavy burden I cannot lift.

No I won’t lie. These few days were tough on me. And I have cracked too many times under the pressure. Taking on this task was a tough one for me, a handling so many teenagers at once may cause a little problems here and there.

Everything was done so last minute. And if it wasn’t for Ericca,nothing would have been done either. She’s helped alot and I am grateful for that.

To all those who went, I’m sorry if things didn’t come out the way you planned it to be. But I did try my best.   

 

Will elaborate tomorrow. Am too tired to stay awake.

what would it take, for things to be quiet

I swore to myself, to never live in doubt again.

But there are some things that have happened, that cannot be easily erased. I tire myself, thinking of the same old words I want to tell you. Thinking of the things that I would’ve done if you were there. I know that I may never go back, and I may never see you again. There are just so many things I wan to tell you, so many new findings and words and rhymes I want to share with you.

I guess its just all to late now.

Have you ever thought what could’ve been?